There seems to be a reoccurring theme laying on my heart this week spent in Haiti; heartbreak. I wake up each morning thinking "No more heartbreak today! Today is going to be a happy day!" I feel as if I am being forced to alter my idea of what happiness is. Each day that starts with this "hopefulness" of being happy, my heart gets torn in two. But why?
With that being said, my team and I had a wonderful day at the beach today. It was much needed. Observing God's giant creation, the clouds, the ocean, the mountains, all of it was so Bel. Yet, my heart was breaking; for a much different reason this time. I was observing such beauty, feeling such joy, and who could I share it with? Of course my teammates were observing the same beauty, and in a sense I was sharing the experience with them. But where was the one I love when I was gazing deep into the ocean? Where was my dad when I sipped out of a fresh coconut? Where was my mom when the sand was burning my feet yet the breeze from the mountains cooled my face? This was a beautiful, happy, and yet difficult day. I love my family more than anything on the earth, and I am beyond thankful for their support, I only wish I could physically share these beautiful moments with them.
Heartbreak comes in many forms, Iv'e felt every single one this week. Saying goodbye to a dear friend, witnessing real hunger and thirst, feelings of regret, time fleeting, my inability to share a beautiful moment with the ones I love, and over all, Haiti. Haiti breaks my heart. Pastor Sue once told me, "I need to be here because this is where God is." I understood the depth of this today more than ever. God is all over this place. He's in the face of every child. He's in the dark and dirty, He's in the bright and crisp. He's everywhere, and He's breaking my heart. God will continue to allow Haiti to break my heart for the rest of my life. Because I know that as soon as I step foot in the States, my heart is going to break even more for Haiti. My heart will break for my absence from Haiti, and it will break during my presents in Haiti. Because this is where God is.
I am beginning to believe that I should be thankful for this heartbreak, and therefore happy that my heart is getting broken. Although I never want my heart to scar over, become tough, and no longer be able to become broken. I'm learning the importance of heartbreak; especially since my heart has never been broken like Haiti breaks it.
"God is breaking my heart for what breaks His." (Katie/Marlo)
Love
Honnah
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